Snarky 150: PPR Rankings with Obnoxious Commentary

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Updated on August 15, 2018 4:17AM EST

This is an overall list for 12-team PPR leagues as of August 15, 2018. For rankings updated multiple times per day, click here.

Note: Rankings are real, but comments, some of which are offensive and in poor taste, are not meant to be taken seriously.

Warning: many, if not most, are stupid, though it can't be worse than last year's.

Rank	Player	Pos	Team	Comment
1	Todd Gurley	RB	LAR	Mid-game Jeff Fisher flashbacks pose added risk
2	Le'Veon Bell	RB	PIT	Slated for 400 carries/whatever it takes to kill him and long-term deal demands
3	David Johnson	RB	ARZ	Literally worst ROI in FF history at 1.1 last year
4	Antonio Brown	WR	PIT	Second best wideout on his team, injured for FF playoffs
5	Saquon Barkley	RB	NYG	Floor better be the ionosphere because Giants still stuck with Eli
6	Ezekiel Elliott	RB	DAL	Not expected to be suspended or jailed this season
7	Kareem Hunt	RB	KC	Tends to disappear for five-game stretches
8	Alvin Kamara	RB	NO	Think peak Danny Woodhead after regression hits
9	Odell Beckham	WR	NYG	Pretty sure that was cocaine in the video
10	Leonard Fournette	RB	JAC	Going down Trent Richardson career path
11	Melvin Gordon	RB	LAC	Average back being fed big workload for God knows what reason
12	DeAndre Hopkins	WR	HOU	Sluggish target hog, should benefit from less barbaric QB play
13	Julio Jones	WR	ATL	Luckily world peace doesn't depend on him catching a TD
14	Michael Thomas	WR	NO	Poor man's Marques Colston
15	Keenan Allen	WR	LAC	Lock for IR by midseason
16	Davante Adams	WR	GB	Happy they got rid of Jordy Nelson's rotting carcass
17	A.J. Green	WR	CIN	Poor man's Julio Jones
18	Dalvin Cook	RB	MIN	Hoping to enjoy Week 5 this year
19	T.Y. Hilton	WR	IND	T.Y. Ramada Inn
20	Christian McCaffrey	RB	CAR	Slated for 480 touches this year according to his coach
21	Mike Evans	WR	TB	Big, slow and useless
22	Amari Cooper	WR	OAK	Even Houdini was awed by Cooper's 2017
23	Devonta Freeman	RB	ATL	Doesn't remember the last two seasons
24	Jarvis Landry	WR	CLE	Great at catching the two-yard pass
25	Juju Smith-Schuster	WR	PIT	If he does poorly, the Steelers can be said to have bad Juju
26	Adam Thielen	WR	MIN	Could eventually sign with the Patriots
27	Rob Gronkowski	TE	NE	Unlike prior NE tight ends, draws the line at concussing people
28	Jordan Howard	RB	CHI	The average left tackle has better hands
29	Demaryius Thomas	WR	DEN	Glad to be playing with a more evolved QB this year
30	Tyreek Hill	WR	KC	Only runs one route at one speed
31	Allen Robinson	WR	CHI	Been almost as long as Josh Gordon since he did anything
32	Golden Tate	WR	DET	Worried Bitcoin Tate will take his job
33	Travis Kelce	TE	KC	Has the impulse control of a five-year old
34	Doug Baldwin	WR	SEA	Already hurt
35	Joe Mixon	RB	CIN	Poor man's Gio Bernard
36	Stefon Diggs	WR	MIN	the last play of the Saints playoff game more than the NFC title game
37	LeSean McCoy	RB	BUF	Downside is Rae Carruth
38	Marvin Jones	WR	DET	Poor man's Kenny Golladay
39	Jerick McKinnon	RB	SF	So much worse than he should be
40	Kenyan Drake	RB	MIA	Playing time/role in hands of a sociopath
41	Mark Ingram	RB	NO	Roid use shows commitment to excellence
42	Zach Ertz	TE	PHI	Deceptive speed
43	Marquise Goodwin	WR	SF	No team knows less about its receivers than the Bills
44	Alex Collins	RB	BAL	Yet another reminder how poorly the Seahawks evaluate RB talent
45	Jay Ajayi	RB	PHI	Even if he were Jim Brown, Eagles would spread carries around
46	Larry Fitzgerald	WR	ARI	And Gerald Fits Larry
47	Brandin Cooks	WR	LAR	on a lot of different stoves as he traverses the league
48	Derrick Henry	RB	TEN	One and a half down back
49	Alshon Jeffery	WR	PHI	15-foot wing span useless when you can't lift arms above shoulders
50	Chris Hogan	WR	NE	Filing in at white receiver until Julian Edelman gets back
51	Aaron Rodgers	QB	GB	Prime totally squandered under McCarthy
52	Greg Olsen	TE	CAR	Should have retired
53	Josh Gordon	WR	CLE	Playing for the Browns while sober is daunting indeed
54	Robby Anderson	WR	NYJ	Big upside if he stays out of jail
55	Robert Woods	WR	LAR	Team so pleased with Woods it signed Brandin Cooks to a long-term deal
56	Tarik Cohen	RB	CHI	World's fastest person with that last name
57	Corey Davis	WR	TEN	No. 5 overall was a serious reach
58	Dion Lewis	RB	TEN	Great choice for the two games in which he's healthy
59	Sammy Watkins	WR	KC	Maybe the Chiefs will actually use him
60	Ronald Jones II	RB	TB	Poor man's Ronald Jones I
61	Emmanuel Sanders	WR	DEN	Amazed the Broncos haven't developed his replacement yet
62	Royce Freeman	RB	DEN	Random rookie to whom Brad Evans is irrationally attached
63	Evan Engram	TE	NYG	Had entire offense to himself last year, barely produced
64	Pierre Garcon	WR	SF	Could be waiting tables soon if he struggles
65	Marqise Lee	WR	JAX	Doesn't agree that "u" always follows "q"
66	Nelson Agholor	WR	PHI	Another mouth to feed in annoyingly diverse offense
67	Jimmy Graham	TE	GB	Bad hands, no burst, visiting with Dr. Rodgers
68	Deshaun Watson	QB	HOU	Returns from torn ACL behind league's worst O-line. What could go wrong?
69	Russell Wilson	QB	SEA	Runs for his life on every play
70	Marshawn Lynch	RB	OAK	Too old school for Jon Gruden
71	Cam Newton	QB	CAR	Despised by Kelvin Benjamin
72	Cooper Kupp	WR	LAR	Noticed Patriots scouts following him around
73	Will Fuller	WR	HOU	Unlikely to catch TD per quarter this year
74	Isaiah Crowell	RB	NYJ	Already concussed
75	Michael Crabtree	WR	BAL	Richard Sherman was right
76	Delanie Walker	TE	TEN	Old and short
77	Jamison Crowder	WR	WAS	Small, slow and unreliable
78	Tom Brady	QB	NE	Poor man's Jimmy G
79	Lamar Miller	RB	HOU	No
80	Aaron Jones	RB	GB	Following Le'Veon Bell career path
81	Sony Michel	RB	NE	Should have gone with a Samsung
82	Rashaad Penny	RB	SEA	Penny wise pound foolish
83	Chris Carson	RB	SEA	Exists only for the Seahawks to self-troll their 2018 draft
84	D.J. Moore	WR	CAR	If he beats up a cornerback, he could be the next Steve Smith
85	Devin Funchess	WR	CAR	Poor man's Kelvin Benjamin
86	Devontae Booker	RB	DEN	Looking forward to legalized sports betting
87	Kelvin Benjamin	WR	BUF	Should qualify at tight end
88	Julian Edelman	WR	NE	No one more willing to play concussed or roided
89	Anthony Miller	WR	CHI	Rookie receivers are only useful in 2014
90	Duke Johnson	RB	CLE	Doesn't leave the locker room before third down
91	Tevin Coleman	RB	ATL	Value depends on another man getting concussed
92	Kenny Stills	WR	MIA	Can always go into photography if the NFL doesn't work out
93	Jamaal Williams	RB	GB	Perfect on team that can't evaluate talent
94	Trey Burton	TE	CHI	Trendy sleeper with one good game in four years
95	Rex Burkhead	RB	NE	Enjoy drafting him and having no idea when or how he'll be used
96	Kenny Golladay	WR	DET	Kilo-tron
97	Chris Thompson	RB	WAS	See Lewis, Dion
98	Nick Chubb	RB	CLE	Prone to weight gain
99	Carson Wentz	QB	PHI	System QB
100	Peyton Barber	RB	TB	Making those who pay sticker for Ronald Jones take a haircut
101	Kerryon Johnson	RB	DET	Carry on drafting useful players instead
102	Marlon Mack	RB	IND	Already hurt
103	Randall Cobb	WR	GB	Shell of his former self
104	Josh Doctson	WR	WAS	Following the DeVante Parker career path
105	Chris Godwin	WR	TB	According to Hitler's law: as soon as Godwin is picked, the draft is over
106	Carlos Hyde	RB	CLE	Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Chubb
107	Calvin Ridley	WR	ATL	Poor man's Mohamed Sanu
108	John Ross	WR	CIN	Favorite to win any race - especially if the finish line is IR
109	Martavis Bryant	WR	OAK	DGAF about the playbook. Throw it deep.
110	Allen Hurns	WR	DAL	Someone has to catch conservative throws from Dak Prescott
111	Sterling Shepard	WR	NYG	Good at tending sheep
112	Jimmy Garoppolo	QB	SF	Brushed up on skills with professional help
113	DeSean Jackson	WR	TB	Talent wasted in moronic offense
114	DeVante Parker	WR	MIA	NFL's Byron Buxton
115	Jordy Nelson	WR	OAK	If he doesn't stick in Oakland, surely he can latch on in New England
116	Tyler Lockett	WR	SEA	Special teams ace forced to run routes due to lack of depth
117	Bilal Powell	RB	NYJ	Someone's got to suit up during the preseason
118	Theo Riddick	RB	DET	See Johnson, Duke
119	Jared Goff	QB	LAR	Formed Jeff Fisher survivor group with Case Keenum and Nick Foles
120	Drew Brees	QB	NO	Excellent at handing off last year
121	Jordan Wilkins	RB	IND	Random scrub with a chance to win role
122	Kirk Cousins	QB	MIN	Poor man's Case Keenum
123	Matthew Stafford	QB	DET	Semi-competent compiler
124	O.J. Howard	TE	TB	Forced to block because Cameron Brate got paid
125	Andrew Luck	QB	IND	Month 20 is when the healing really kicks in
126	Mike Williams	WR	LAC	Increasingly unclear why the Chargers used a top-10 pick on him
127	LeGarrette Blount	RB	DET	Will punch you in the mouth
128	Kyle Rudolph	TE	MIN	Refuses to work outside of red zone
129	Patrick Mahomes	QB	KC	Dan McGwire had arm strength too
130	Rishard Matthews	WR	TEN	Top-secret ailment
131	Cameron Meredith	WR	NO	One of many sleepers who didn't wake up
132	Michael Gallup	WR	DAL	Michael Canter, based on 40 time
133	Giovani Bernard	RB	CIN	Productive on the rare occasion he's healthy
134	Philip Rivers	QB	LAC	Worst stats to wins ratio in NFL history (edging out Tony Romo due to longevity)
135	Ben Roethlisberger	QB	PIT	Why retire when the damage is already done?
136	Jack Doyle	TE	IND	Poor man's Gary Barnidge
137	C.J. Anderson	RB	CAR	Exists only to destroy Christian McCaffrey's value
138	Corey Coleman	WR	BUF	Dealt for peanuts the day his replacement was arrested
139	Jordan Reed	TE	WAS	Bump up if he gets a prosthetic foot
140	Eric Ebron	TE	IND	Was destined for big things but dropped the ball
141	Dak Prescott	QB	DAL	Proved surprising rookie year was a fluke
142	Cameron Brate	TE	TB	Biggest virtues are inability to block and exorbitant contract
143	Matt Ryan	QB	ATL	After one-year aberration, back to Vanilla Ice
144	Alex Smith	QB	WAS	No longer terrified to take a chance
145	Samaje Perine	RB	WAS	What you get when you combine pee and urine
146	David Njoku	TE	CLE	Seriously
147	Marcus Mariota	QB	TEN	Poor man's Vince Young
148	George Kittle	TE	SF	George Brittle
149	Latavius Murray	RB	MIN	"Latavius" is Latin for vulture.
150	Mohamed Sanu	WR	ATL	Has the upside of a dead rodent